About Me

Hello 🙂

I’m Tara (a.k.a. The Divorce Encouragist) and I’ve been happily divorced since 2006.  Leaving my husband was like waking up from a bad dream:  I was a little shaken, but overall delighted to rediscover myself and my surroundings.  Because of the divorce, I was able to grow in ways I didn’t think were possible.  In hindsight, it’s hard to feel anything but gratitude for my ex husband, whose infidelity helped me to find my strength and walk away from a bad situation.

As of the end of 2011, I’m also recovering from the devastating breakup of a long-term relationship in which I cohabitated with divorced dad and served as a pseudo-stepmother to his children.  This separation experience is far different from my divorce.  As I ride the waves of grief and gratitude, I’m learning, growing, laughing, crying and sharing much of my experience here.  It’s a process that is strengthening me and I’m all about the evolution.

I believe…

  • A marriage shouldn’t survive at the expense of its participants.
  • Sometimes a good divorce is the appropriate solution to a bad marriage.
  • Separation signifies the evolution, not dissolution, of a family.
  • Divorce is the shared goal of two people wishing to part ways.
  • Divorce shouldn’t be ugly or expensive.
  • A good divorce can be accomplished by employing a healthy attitude and a realistic outlook.

I’m so passionate about healthy divorces and evolving families that I’ve spent the past five years absorbing all the pertinent information I could find.  I consider myself an ongoing student of divorce and I became a divorce coach in 2010.  In addition to learning and coaching, I’m also a dedicated writer and you can find some of my other work at Divorced Women Online and inside StepMom Magazine.

Thanks for visiting!

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32 comments on “About Me

  1. FWIW… I haven’t been commenting on your individual entries, but as a fellow blogger, I know it’s good to occasionally hear from readers. So: I’ve been reading your entries, and appreciate them quite a bit. Unlike you, I didn’t have an epiphany, so much as a long, slow waking-up out of a befuddled coma. But my wife and I will be separating soon, and I think it’s all for the good. (We have kids, which complicates things.)

    Do, please, keep writing. If only for *my* benefit.

  2. thecatsman says:

    Nice intro……LOL

  3. Mandy says:

    Thanks for including me on your blogroll! I was wondering if you’d be interested in sharing your story on my blog? If you would email me I can give you some more details.

    Mandy

  4. thecatsman says:

    I enjoyed the read no matter the opinion……………Yes WordPress gives us a platform for expressing ourselves and to me that’s the part that realy matters.

  5. Tanisha says:

    It’s great to find that there are others who are blogging about divorce and taking the sting out of the stigma. I enjoyed reading your posts and will be encouraging those I know who are about to or in the midst of divorce to do the same.

  6. Chandi says:

    Hi,
    Good to find your blog. My divorce was recently final, but the post-divorce phase hasn’t been all about ‘release’ as I thought it would be. I had a new anger phase, post divorce! But I have worked through those feelings, and feel closer than ever to stepping into my new life. But I have been interested by the fact that many women I know who’ve recently gone through divorce (I’m in a divorced women’s meetup group, so I meet a lot of them) have had a rougher time in the post-divorce phase than they expected. I am doing some blog posts about that topic. I’d be pleased if you visited my blog. I will stay in touch with yours.
    Thanks!
    http://italiandreams.wordpress.com

  7. What a wonderful blog you have! We both share a common interest with our view on divorce. Though one of life’s most difficult challenges, it should be welcomed as a new beginning and labeled as EX-perience. Remember It’s Fun To Be One!

  8. Rhe says:

    Do you feel it is necessary to let your ex know when your kids meet your boyfriend?

  9. Rhe says:

    Does your state require a morality clause? I’m assuming that since you live with your boyfriend that it does not. are you familiar with these required clauses and, if so, what are your thoughts?

    personally, i believe morality is subjective but i ad to agree to this clause in order to get divorced. i assumed my ex and i would live and let live but no. now that i have a boyfriend, he insists on reminding me of this clause that i agreed to.

    • They aren’t required in my state. Divorcing couples have a lot of flexibility when it comes to their divorce/parenting agreements and most people I know have chosen not to make such wishes a legal part of their contracts. In general, I think morality clauses can serve a noble purpose if both parents approach them with the best interests of their children in mind. Conversely, these agreements can serve as tactics for partners to “spy on” or control each other after all other ties have been severed.

      Is it possible for you and your ex to modify your agreement at this time?

  10. Hi, nice to meet you !

  11. nancy says:

    It seems you left your marriage when I left mine. It is good to hear you are doing well and I was interested in your blog! Thanks for stopping into mine
    best
    Nancy

  12. […] such blog that I read yesterday comes from The
    Divorced Encouragist who authors Relative Evolutions. She wrote
    about a forwarded joke centered on the Barbie doll and
    […]

  13. MargaretN says:

    Just found your blog. Great resource you have! I definitely share most of your view on divorce. I especially love your opening – ‘I’ve been happily divorced since…’

    I agree…
    • A marriage shouldn’t survive at the expense of its participants.
    • Sometimes a good divorce is the appropriate solution to a bad marriage.
    • Separation signifies the evolution, not dissolution, of a family.

    Unfortunately though sometimes in divorce only one party wants out, not both, and depending on the parties involved one party may not have complete control over the financial limitations of divorce. But, you have a great point!

    • Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment!

      You’re right about the beginning phases of divorce and the financial responsibilities of each party. My ultimate vision for divorce is one in which a the process is handled with less emotional drive. Once both parties accept the inevitable end of the marriage, they should proceed in an emotionally/financially responsible manner.

  14. james says:

    Hi Tara
    Fascinating blog. One of the better and certainly more insightful ones ive seen.

    Re ‘Separation signifies the evolution, not dissolution, of a family.’ ,sadly for many families it does seem to be dissolution. If people don’t do the ‘work’ to create the understanding as to what has happened, and hence reach some kind of resolution within themselves,then all to often strong emotions like bitterness and anger can last years , even a lifetime for some (unfortunately).

  15. Rick Murphy says:

    Hello I am Rick Murphy and I am a member of some financial communities. I just visited your site (SITE DOMAIN)and I am a frequent reader of your site. The articles of your blog is really worth reading. The quality of your content is excellent. After seeing this, I would like to request you something. I love to write articles and I would like to contribute something for your site if you’ll give me the permission. I can give you an original guest post and I assure you that it will be published only in your site. If you want, you can suggest me the topic also and I will write accordingly. Please let me know your thoughts. Waiting for your positive reply. Reach me at:rickmurphy000[at]gmail[dot]com

    Thanks&regards
    Rick Murphy

  16. laura davis says:

    Is my boyfriend spending too much time with his ex? They have a 19 year old daughter ( they divorced 11 years ago). He spends Christmas over at his ex’s house, and he travels with the ex to settle their daughter in an out of state university. I am not invited to these events. His daughter is a wonderful girl, they have done a great job raising her. I support every opportunity he has to be with his child. But, am I being unreasonable to feel excluded from Christmas and other events? Or is he being a great parent?

    • “Too much time” is always a matter of personal opinion. It sounds like your boyfriend has a very cooperative coparenting relationship with his ex, and that’s wonderful for their daughter.

      If you have concerns about the effect this has on your relationship, you certainly have a right to your feelings. I would think the extent to which you should be involved in those “family” activities would largely depend on the length of your relationship as well as your relationship with the ex and his daughter.

      As the child of cooperative divorced parents, I can say that there are still occasions when I feel uncomfortable sharing an occasion/event with a partner of one of my parents.

      Evolving family dynamics are tough and everyone involved is likely to have a different opinion of what is “correct”. Good communication can help a lot, but it can be hard. Good Luck!

  17. Lady E says:

    Dear Tara,
    I have found your blod via Now is good, and find your posts a great help to work through the thorny issues revolving around what is best for my children vs. what I feel like doing because I’m hurt, angry and sad.
    Thank you for your insightfulness and clarity!

  18. “Divorce is the shared goal of two people wishing to part ways.”…….. not always. Sometimes the choice is made by one person and can leave the other suffering in the wake of a tsunami wreck.

    • Agreed. I recently experienced somewhat of a “tsunami” myself (although I referred to it as a “hurricane”- see my post about the flowers). Sometimes the declaration can be one-sided. However, if the fact is that one person is no longer invested in the relationship, then the other likely doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with him/her. At that point, the divorce does become a shared goal, even if (under more ideal circumstances) one party would rather fight for a different outcome.

      • I take your point. In fact, now I really think about it, despite the immediate pain, in an instant I was there. In the devastation of the moment I already had the thought – “Do I want to be with this person who has acted so brutally towards me, who has broken trust and loyalty and all those values of worth we shared as a couple (or so it seems we did not)”? I definitely know that after seven days I would have struggled to take him back, so much ‘hurricane’ damage had already been done, that what was lost was already lost forever and any willingness I may have had to fight for “us” definitely swept away in the storm. Yes, you can pick up after a hurricane, but never in the same way. Thanks.

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