Yes, you read that right. Last week, while celebrating my independence, I sent a dozen dark pink roses to The Other Woman. Dark pink roses symbolize gratitude and I’m feeling rather grateful these days.
The snarky way of explaining my actions would be to say that my ex is an ass and I’m oh-so-happy that he is out of my life. But those of you who know me know better. I don’t believe in badmouthing exes. In truth, this has nothing to do with him and very little to do with her.
I sent flowers because I was ready to put my money where my mouth is. I was ready to “walk my talk”, to truly express appreciation for my current circumstances.
The flowers aren’t to say the hurt is gone. It’s not. My gesture doesn’t mean that I condone her tactics. What she did was selfish, immature, unethical and downright destructive. She caused an abundance of pain for a lot of people, and she was “blissfully joyful” about the outcomes of her efforts.
I think the Hurricane Analogy explains it best: Everyone knows hurricanes cause mass devastation. They level homes. They uproot that which was once healthy and thriving. Within a matter of hours, well-known landscapes become unrecognizable. It sucks. It really, really sucks. However. Anyone who has walked on the beach after a storm knows that this is when the ocean churns up some of her deepest treasures and places them at our feet.
I lost my home. I lost my family. Yet, as the sun rises on this new day, it warms away the cold, dark places and further illuminates the unforeseen gifts that otherwise would have remained buried. I discovered a different perspective, some wonderful new friends and a few old dreams I forgot I had. It’s enough to reclaim and rebuild my life. And for that, I am thankful.
Relative Evolutions 
Wow! Tara. I read this twice to be sure I got it. Good for you. If we all could let go of the bad and embrace the good as you consistently do, we would be better for it. I’m not likely to send flowers anytime soon but I did write a letter to the OW recently, right after she and D got married. Initially I wrote it to chide her for stalking me via my blog only five days after her wedding. I did that, but I did it in a kinder way than I thought I would. I, too, feel some gratitude finally, and as I wrote I started to recognize her humanity in a way that I had not before. I don’t know whether they are connected, but that same week D started to make payments on the money he still owes me. I am very grateful for that. I had started to think I would ever get it without going to court. I wasn’t willing to drag myself through that. OK–I’m getting too wordy. Thank you for writing this post.
Thank you.
It’s amazing how much power we actually have to change our own minds and influence the actions of others. I’m glad your ex began honoring his debt to you. It seems like your emotional maturity helped him “level-up”.
PS…I love the Hurricane Analogy.
I have to say this just confuses me.
You’re not the only one.
I can only say that I felt *ready*. Ready to forgive… ready to focus on the positive… ready to feel good about moving on. Any hard feelings would be my feelings, and they would only harden me. And I don’t want to be “hard”… I’d prefer to be “strong”.
I understand about being ready to “forgive”, I don’t get including her in that, if she had not asked for forgiveness. It feels as if poor behavior is condoned, and I see far too much of that in our society.
It doesn’t matter whether or not she asked for it. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” -Lewis B. Smedes
Oh, and here’s another quote ;): “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” -Oscar Wilde
As far as condoning her actions… To be completely honest, I think it would be awesome if I had the power to punish the people who hurt me. Unfortunately, I don’t. By the same logic, I can’t reward her either. The only person I’m responsible for is me. I’ve sat through all the Stages of Grief. I’ve honored myself and watched my breath as well as my emotions throughout the process. Now that I can clearly see what’s around me, I’m ready to embrace it. And I wanted to plant a seed to mark the line in the sand- it was a genuine heartfelt invitation for closure, not a medal of accomplishment. (of course, people are free to form their own interpretations… and I can’t possibly cater to all those possibilities)
If you want to talk more about this offline, feel free to email me: divorce.encouragist@gmail.com
Just cleaned out my wallet and found one of your old business cards. It’s nice to see thedivorceencouragist still making waves.
Now, I obviously don’t know the full context of the situation, but I applaud the roses. Not sure I would have sent a dozen though. Would have been a lot cheaper and delightfully curt to send a single rose – able to accomplish the same thing; forgiveness, delightful resentment, contempt, what have you.
I’ve had my share of hurricanes. Some much, much bigger than others. But no matter the size, one thing I can say to always remember about them, is that they are fleeting. And although the memories stay with you forever, they always leave room for growth. If everything has been destroyed, the only direction worth moving – is up.
Hope all is well.
Hi John- good to hear from you again!
I thought about a single rose, but it felt too romantic. And I said I wanted to put my money where my mouth is… I have a pretty big mouth, so it seemed appropriate to “go big or go home”.
You’re right about moving up. That’s one of the nice things about rock bottom, isn’t it? You get to dig a new foundation and build something stronger.
Are you still around? Feel free to contact me offline if you want to catch up.
Wow, I admire your ability to rise above your pain and walk your talk. And I cannot believe you ex let you go and let all this destruction happen. I’m ok with badmouthing exes so I’ll say it: He acted like a complete idiot and will almost certainly regret it.
There.
Glad to hear you’re clebrating your independence, here’s to you! 🙂
Thank you, Lady E 🙂