Yesterday slept until the early afternoon and then I sat in one of my two chairs until after midnight. I never changed out of the clothes that I slept in the night before. I didn’t shower. I didn’t watch any television shows. I made no use of my stereo. In silence, I read. I thought. I surfed the net. I did some research. I was alone, with the exception of BullyGirl. It was glorious.
Tonight I took a stroll through my local home improvement store. I had no list, no agenda. I wasn’t there to complete a project, I was there to jumpstart my imagination. As I wandered through the aisles, I envisioned my kitchen with a new stove… landscaping lights in my flower beds… a fresh welcome mat in front of my door… I felt pride in my status as a homeowner. I felt a glimmer of hope. I sensed the budding of opportunity and progress. I listened to the clunking of my heels against the cement floor and was reminded that I was alone. And it was glorious…
I feel much different than I did a few months ago. My sleeping patterns have returned to normal. I eat more. I cry less. I smile more. I cry less (that’s worth repeating). A couple weeks ago, I forgot about my therapy appointment until M called to see if I was coming. That has to be a good sign. There was a time when I eagerly counted the hours till I could sit on her couch. I feel stronger… less sad… I feel increasingly annoyed and irritated about the events that have brought me to this point (still not gonna use the word “angry”)… And… (I’ve been waiting for this!) I also feel a little gratitude for the events that have brought me to this point.
Of course, under the surface, the pain persists. Yet, it is with less and less frequency that I turn to that horrific week in November and wonder, “What the hell happened to my life?” More often, I’m able to find stability in the present moment. Indeed, there is fantastic freedom in accepting one’s lack of control.
I find *me* to be quite fascinating these days. I like to sit back and observe myself in action: I’ve caught myself flirting… I noticed that I frequently smile when someone asks how I’m doing… I’ve persevered through new experiences that caused initial discomfort… I was told that I’ll need to replace my furnace and I was able to laugh about it! Quite frankly, I’m amazed…I’m impressed… and, I’m totally falling in love with myself. (How cool is that?!?)
I’m learning. I’m growing. My broken heart is healing. It’s pretty awesome.