Well, This Is Difficult…

Dear S,

Thank you for reading my blog. I understand that my content provided you with the motivation to leave your husband. I’m flattered, really. My only issue is the method in which you are going about thanking me. I don’t feel it’s appropriate for you to pursue/engage my boyfriend in more-than-friend-type of activities.

Sincerely,

Tara

Dear Readers,

As you may have guessed from the note above, my life has taken a sudden turn. Suffice it to say, I’ve been betrayed by the person I loved and trusted most in the world. I found out last night. Today, I started moving out. Tonight, I’ll be sleeping in an RV in my parents’ driveway (existing holiday guests with dogs prevented me and BullyGirl from staying in the house). I’d love to give you all the details, to explain the issues at play. I’m not going to. I thought about blogging this whole experience. Out of consideration for those involved (see how much consideration I have for them?), I’m not going to. While I won’t divulge all details, I do want to share some tidbits from my experience. Perhaps others can relate or learn from this…

Right now, I am quite devastated. At the moment, I’m homeless. I feel utterly lost. Over the past 24 hours, I’ve ingested about a half a cup of food and slept approximately 15 minutes. I’m exhausted, yet not tired. I’m confused. My immediate family has been obliterated. I’d like to have some time to say good-bye to Drake and Josh, but after that I will probably never see them again. I constantly bounce from a state of excruciating pain (screaming and bawling) to complete numbness (staring at nothing while seemingly paralyzed). My relationship with Boyfriend was my highest priority and now it’s gone. What do I have left? I don’t even recognize my life…

…For the most part, our discussions were civil. And there was a lot of discussion, it was productive. I’m ashamed to admit that I spent some time vocalizing my bitterness. Looking back, I must’ve resembled a teenager throwing a tantrum. I was talking through my pain instead of my brain. Hint: the brain is much better at getting answers and plotting next steps.

For as horrible as I feel, I also feel somewhat good about this shitty situation. I can honestly look back on the relationship and say that I gave it my best at least 99% of the time- personal best Relationship Performance ever! I’m proud of myself. And now that my life has been turned upside down, I’ve been given the chance to redesign it with a new focus. Perhaps I’ll seek out my dream job somewhere in New England. I’ve always wanted to live there. I should write a List Of Possibilities and refer to it often. I think if I focus on resuming my Old Life minus The Family, the gaping hole is going to be… well, a gaping hole. On the other hand, if I create something new, perhaps I can fill the space with something else and minimize the pain.

Oh, the pain… at about 3am, I sat with a piece of paper and a pen. I wrote down random words and phrases as they popped into my head. The most popular were “fuck”, “whore” and “stupid”.

I’m angry. I’m sad. But I’m also OK. My stepmother said she wanted to punch Boyfriend. I don’t (at least, not today). I still see him as a person. I understand that he’s conflicted. And I love him enough to walk away instead of clinging and therefore not honoring the personal search he must attend to. So far, I’m choosing to proceed with (mostly) humility and humanity. So far, it brings me short and sweet rushes of peace in the middle of this emotional pandemonium.

I hope y’all are having a better time than me.

Sincerely,

Tara

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24 comments on “Well, This Is Difficult…

  1. Heather H says:

    Tara, My heart is breaking for you. I will keep you in my heart and prayers. You are a strong, beautiful woman and I am better because I’ve connected with you. I know that nothing I can say right now can take your pain away. But please know that people love and care about you. You are always welcome in my home. Seriously. Wish I lived closer to help.

  2. backonmyown says:

    Oh, Tara. I’m so very sorry. I can feel your pain–literally, viscerally.

  3. Shit. I’m so so sorry for your pain. I will join your stepmom in PunchFest – just say the word.

  4. Lori says:

    Dammit. It’s a rollercoaster ahead. The anger will come. F his conflicted. No matter how many times I hear the story, it always stuns me that people are capable of doing this to each other. (hugs) You did nothing, NOTHING to deserve this. Always keep that in your mind. Write it down, there will be dark moments when you think otherwise. And it gets better.

  5. jobo says:

    oh my God, I am so SO sorry Tara. My heart is so heavy for you and sad knowing what you are going through is likely pretty hellish, to say the least. I would also like to partake in punchfest, if I may. You don’t deserve that. Nobody does. Unfair doesn’t even begin to describe it. XOXO,hang in there the best you can.

  6. Oh, Tara. Such awful news. I am so, so sorry. There are plenty of things I’d like to say about the situation and The Boyfriend, but I won’t because none of them is very helpful. I’m just … sorry. You sound like you are doing wonderfully under the circumstances. I *love* your List of Possibilities idea Please keep writing and let us know how you are doing.

  7. Coming out of lurk mode to give you a cyber hug and heartfelt wishes for a strong recovery. You deserve better, and you deserve to be happy. The Exboyfriend has not only done wrong by you, but also by his boys as well as himself.

    Please be sure to take a little time to think things through. Avoid rash actions. Moving to New England could be awesome for you on a number of levels. Moving to New England in the winter, though, is just plain nutty.

    (Trust me, I was “ItNeverSnowsInBoston” before moving to Seattle. In fact, I left Boston for Seattle twice.)

    Hang in there, friend, and always know you can throw out a line to your bloggy friends when you need a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on, or a sounding board for your brave new ideas.

    But trust me on that New England in the winter thing.

    • Thanks for the support. As for the move…

      “I hear the wintertime up north can last forever.
      And I’ve been told it’s beautiful to see this time of year.
      And they say the snow can blind you till the world you left behind just disappears… I hear….”
      (‘Whoever’s in New England’, by Reba McEntire)

  8. Whoa Tara, I mean whoa. Would have never seen that coming. Your post shows that you’re handling it with a high level of conscious and dignity.

    My thoughts are with you, could the timing have been much worse, either?

  9. sonia says:

    I’m so sorry. I will never understand the cheating mentality. He had a loyal, devoted partner who was a role model of conscious, ethical behavior for his boys. People who do this have something wrong with them inside–some kind of void–it’s not a reflection on you, although the betrayal of course if very, very personal. I can’t say anything except that I am sorry he had feet of clay.

  10. Deesha says:

    Hi, Tara…

    I’m sending you cyber-hugs and wishes for peace and clarity for the days and months ago. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. But your strength, even in the midst of the agony, is showing through. xo

  11. Deesha says:

    *in the days and months AHEAD 🙂

  12. Jessica Bram says:

    Oh, what a bummer. I’m really sorry, Tara, but I immediately think of the statement that has helped me in the past: “Rejection is God’s protection.” Look what later heartache might have happened if you had moved even deeper into a commitment. Another piece of advice (from an older woman): please don’t make any changes, moves, relocations, or major decisions while you’re feeling emotional. Let the feelings settle down. In the meantime, take good care of yourself and surround yourself with love. If you really want to stare a New England winter in the face, feel free to come for a visit to us here in Connecticut. Just make sure you’ve got snow tires! Chin up.

  13. […] I’ve done a lot of crying for attention.  I did it here, and here.  I’ve sent a few snippy emails and I’ve written some tear-stained letters. […]

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