Thank you for reading my blog. I understand that my content provided you with the motivation to leave your husband. I’m flattered, really. My only issue is the method in which you are going about thanking me. I don’t feel it’s appropriate for you to pursue/engage my boyfriend in more-than-friend-type of activities.
As you may have guessed from the note above, my life has taken a sudden turn. Suffice it to say, I’ve been betrayed by the person I loved and trusted most in the world. I found out last night. Today, I started moving out. Tonight, I’ll be sleeping in an RV in my parents’ driveway (existing holiday guests with dogs prevented me and BullyGirl from staying in the house). I’d love to give you all the details, to explain the issues at play. I’m not going to. I thought about blogging this whole experience. Out of consideration for those involved (see how much consideration I have for them?), I’m not going to. While I won’t divulge all details, I do want to share some tidbits from my experience. Perhaps others can relate or learn from this…
Right now, I am quite devastated. At the moment, I’m homeless. I feel utterly lost. Over the past 24 hours, I’ve ingested about a half a cup of food and slept approximately 15 minutes. I’m exhausted, yet not tired. I’m confused. My immediate family has been obliterated. I’d like to have some time to say good-bye to Drake and Josh, but after that I will probably never see them again. I constantly bounce from a state of excruciating pain (screaming and bawling) to complete numbness (staring at nothing while seemingly paralyzed). My relationship with Boyfriend was my highest priority and now it’s gone. What do I have left? I don’t even recognize my life…
…For the most part, our discussions were civil. And there was a lot of discussion, it was productive. I’m ashamed to admit that I spent some time vocalizing my bitterness. Looking back, I must’ve resembled a teenager throwing a tantrum. I was talking through my pain instead of my brain. Hint: the brain is much better at getting answers and plotting next steps.
For as horrible as I feel, I also feel somewhat good about this shitty situation. I can honestly look back on the relationship and say that I gave it my best at least 99% of the time- personal best Relationship Performance ever! I’m proud of myself. And now that my life has been turned upside down, I’ve been given the chance to redesign it with a new focus. Perhaps I’ll seek out my dream job somewhere in New England. I’ve always wanted to live there. I should write a List Of Possibilities and refer to it often. I think if I focus on resuming my Old Life minus The Family, the gaping hole is going to be… well, a gaping hole. On the other hand, if I create something new, perhaps I can fill the space with something else and minimize the pain.
Oh, the pain… at about 3am, I sat with a piece of paper and a pen. I wrote down random words and phrases as they popped into my head. The most popular were “fuck”, “whore” and “stupid”.
I’m angry. I’m sad. But I’m also OK. My stepmother said she wanted to punch Boyfriend. I don’t (at least, not today). I still see him as a person. I understand that he’s conflicted. And I love him enough to walk away instead of clinging and therefore not honoring the personal search he must attend to. So far, I’m choosing to proceed with (mostly) humility and humanity. So far, it brings me short and sweet rushes of peace in the middle of this emotional pandemonium.
I hope y’all are having a better time than me.